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allykat219
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Name: Allison
Birthday: 2/19/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: your mom...flute, piano, books, singing, MBASYC&O, Relient K, Switchfoot, missions, Panama City Beach, English, French, Psychology...
Expertise: i'm pretty frickin great at sleeping...be jealous
Occupation: ha...i'm a bum
Message: message me
AIM:  allykat219
Member Since:
8/11/2004
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| I was convincing myself that I was getting better. Convincing myself to let go.
Let go.
What does that even mean? How does one "let go" of someone?
I suppose in reality we should hold loosely to everything anyway. It's all God's anyway, and such. Well, that's true. yes. But when He introduces someone into our life, how do we just let go when they decide they no longer desire that place?
Perhaps I'm just not good at being told what to do.
So, I still don't know how to handle you, K. I'm not real sure how we're supposed to do this. I know now I can't just take ya back, even if you randomly decide that's what you want. It cannot happen. So what now? You flirt now. You never flirted with me before. How weird is that? And...well...I don't even know. We banter like we never did before. It's fun. Why did we quit having fun? I hate that I did that to us. Or that WE did that to us.
And then you called me...
and i have to start all over. | | |
| i just wanna be happy. normal. content. at peace.
oh, how i hate change.
and loss. i hate loss.
and i hate missing people.
and i love love.
the end will justify the pain to took to get us there.
I'm trusting that, Daddy. | | |
| I tried this last week, and deleted the whole thing before I published it.
I have different things to say now.
I've been doing okay, you know? Better than I really thought I would be. But I started thinking, ya know? And when you start thinking, it's never good.
I miss you so much, kid. It's insane. When I see you...well...I can't stop shaking. I don't know how to handle it, b/c I overwhelmingly want to run up and hug you. This has been pretty rough.
Sometimes, I think I just lost one of the greatest things to ever happen to me. You challenge me so much, in so many ways. My relationship with Christ has been healthier with you than probably ever before. You make me want to be a better person. You've shown me things in myself I want to change, challenged me to step out of the box I confine myself to. You free me. I don't know that I've ever met someone who could just enjoy life the way you do. I miss the random singing, the goofy questions...I miss everything about you. I miss trying to get you to talk to me. I miss the "pained face". I hate how I treated you, how ungrateful I was for who you are. You're incredible, K. I can't enjoy the thought of another girl with you. No one's good enough...no one deserves you. I know I don't either, but I want so very much to be back with you. I want to be happy again. I want life to be normal and to have you in it. I don't enjoy life nearly so much as I did. And don't get me wrong- I'm having fun. The single life appeals to me on so many levels. I talk to anyone I want, do anything I want, stay out late, sleep late, skip meals, don't take my vitamin, don't do my schoolwork...
But it's not worth it.
I miss you, K.
I'm frustrated with you, I won't lie. I feel like you've been really unfair. Selfish, even. But I'd do anything to be able to tell you that, hug you, and convince you that it's not all your fault. I miss sharing life with you.
So yeah...
I'm doing okay. Some days are harder than others. I don't know who to talk to. I don't know what to say. But I do know I miss you. Bring my heart back, please? thx.
-yours, truly. | | |
| seriously? back here? well, i think it was the right choice. i learned a little bit already just from looking back. i know writing is personal and such, but typing is so much easier. perhaps he should keep a journal. but really... back to this point? are you honestly that scared? why don't you trust? THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE. PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR. NO, it's NOT okay to be scared of being hurt. fear is bad. anxiety is wrong. cast all your cares upon Him. sigh...well...i am scared. the feeling is here. the scary one. the one that means something is gonna happen. can you manufacture that feeling? yeah. i can. well stop. TRUST. to obey is better than to sacrifice. will you obey? yes. what does that mean? quit being dumb. make time. WAIT. but what does my waiting look like? obey. wait. trust. breathe. quit being dumb. i do trust you, Daddy. i want so badly to trust you. you really truly do care about me. you know i'm tempted to despair. you know my feelings. you know what's gonna happen. i need that peace they talk about. yeah...i have felt it too. i know. wait? again? really? yeah. i know. trust, wait. redundant, much? why can't ya learn the first time? well...idk. dumb. so do you really trust? yes. then stop this. alors, i love him. i mean, yeah...i get scared. i dont wanna settle. but i dont know how i could ever see being with him as settling. if you have something different, i suppose that's okay. i want this. i want it bad. i'm tired and scared and want stability. you should be that. i know. okay. rely on you. dont base this on him. okay. its gonna be okay. it's already okay. I exist outside of time. i'm so glad. Love. Never. Fails. | | |
| sometimes I'm so in tune with what's going on around me...sometimes I feel the suffering of others and have this need to fix it- to DO something. but sometimes I can't. I don't know what to do about this that I feel now. It's been a long time since I've been this aware of someone else's internal struggle. I wonder if this is how he feels? I know what it is to feel miserable- to feel like there's no escape. I dont know how to help though. I can only love and pray. How do I love? Actions? Words? Time? I think I have to get over my desire for immediate results. I think it may take time. He won't believe the words. He'll ignore the actions. He runs from the time. Father, thanks for pursuing me. Thanks for loving me even when I'm running the other direction. Thank you for giving me such clear pictures of my reaction to you and breaking my heart for others and myself. Help me see myself through your eyes- to see my sin and then my redeemed state through the eyes of a loving Father. Give me patience and wisdom. I know that anger is not always right, but I also know it can be righteous. Help me not take over and let stupid pride screw things up. Help me to see the disgusting filth that my sin is, Lord. I can't handle this... I dont know how to pray for him. Love him, Daddy. Love him in a big way- wrap your arms around Him so that he can't get out. Thanks for the precious gift of friendship and the blessing that it is to be able to carry someone to You. The width of two arms outstretched on a tree, the length of the road to Calvary- The height of a crown on a cruel cross, the depth of the pain is the cost. All for you, all for me, all for live did He bleed. All to set us free- to set us free! My prayer for you is that you will know how wide, and how long, and how high, how deep is the love- how deep is the love of Christ. | | |
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